Click here for part four of the spoof series.
Click here for part six of the spoof series.
Back in Southern San d'Oria [S], the Royal Army musters its might for a showdown with the Shadow Lord, and among other pre-battle preparations, his Majesty's soldiers have decided to intoxicate themselves first. Unfortunately for them, the soldiers encroached on my favorite night club, and I was expecting a private show. Alright, listen up, everyone! The ladies can stay, but any man who cannot best me at a fistfight better --
Woah, these are your troops, Rage? I certainly did not expect to see you here! What do you mean you still do not recognize me? I met you, Portia, and Lilisette in this very tavern just the other day! It seems that Rage still denies ever meeting Lily and me, but speaking of which, has anyone seen Lily?
Nope, not on stage!
Not to my immediate left either.
Why there she is! After a brief conversation, I gleaned that no one in town could recall whom Lily was either and that she lost her dancing job as a result. I am sure this amnesia phenomenon traces back to Lady Lilith somehow.
But do not fret, Lily; I am sure we can jog our friends' memories if we stick around them long enough. Hey Rage, I do not suppose you could use a few mercenaries for tomorrow's battle? We can slice, dice, and even make Meat Mithkabobs!
So after much pleading and a long march, Lily and I found ourselves at an Allied strategy meeting the next day. Unfortunately for me, I barely crawled out of bed in time and subsequently angered Lily when I entered the meeting room half-dressed. Hey Lily, just mesmerize yourself with all the neat contraptions and persons gathered for this upcoming battle.
We have got an extremely detailed, strategic map of Xarcabard [S]!
Full sets of AFv2 armor and their corresponding relic weapons!
Captain "Rage" Bravo as Allied Commander!
And, and! Wait, just what the heck are those? Really, really cheap strategic markers?! Seriously, why could not Rage afford items that personified San d'Oria, Bastok, and Windurst properly, and why are not the Galkas in the vanguard? I suppose I should converse with Lily about our own battle preparations soon.
So after the meeting, I decided to find Lily and apologize for my earlier tardiness with a bouquet of strangely colored flowers. Thankfully, she was cliche enough to instantly forget the incident and divulged how she had just rendezvoused with one of Rage's comrades (in the future) for details on the upcoming battle.
Apparently, Rage and his team were to assassinate the Shadow Lord while his comrades distracted the enemy outside Castle Zvahl [S].
Somehow, a strange incident occurred while Rage's team stormed the stronghold, but nevertheless, Rage struck down the Shadow Lord. Gee, I wonder how Volker and Zeid ended up getting credit.
I sure hope the bad guys are not eavesdropping on our strategy; surely, that would create a fatal flaw!
So the next day, the Allied Forces coerced Lily and me to help dig a secret tunnel into Castle Zvahl Baileys [S]. Unfortunately, we ended up digging the most because there were mostly Tarutaru miners, but as luck would have it...
... these two Tarutarus from Team Bravo feigned sickness just after we finished the tunnel! With no further help available, Rage inducted Lily and me as substitutes, and with a dozen Shadow Lord victories under my belt, I was hoping for my own personal airship this time. Let us get going, Rage!
Like his future counterpart, the Shadow Lord employs only a handful of Demons to defend his keep. They will not last ten seconds against the might of Team Khel -- I mean Bravo!
So after dispatching the guards, Team Bravo (or maybe it was just Lily and me) decided to ransack the fortress like any other would-be swashbucklers. Now let us see what is behind door number one!
Oh noes, purple badass dead ahead! Oh, and Portia. Do I hear wedding bells all of a sudden?
Do you, Sir Douchebag-a-lot, take this naive girl that your friend seduced to be your lawfully wedded wife? And do you, Portia Surname-I-know-not, take this vile swordsman to save your friend's life? If there are no objections, I now pronounce you husband and -- wait, what is that Rage? "Over my dead body!" he says!
Looks like Haudrale and his companions will not let us escape without a fight.
And he just rendered Portia unconscious somehow!
Not you too, Rage! This does not look good; I have forgotten to bring Snippy of all times! Somebody safeguard me from impending DOOM!
Great timing, Noillurie! It appears Rage's sexy nurse heard my plea and simply devastated Haudrale's Demon friends in response!
She even put Haudrale on the run after only clashing blades! Say um, Noillurie, I do not suppose Rage has spare relic weapons lying around? Liabelle deserves a new katana, and I could use a break from funding a relic weapon myself! Well, in any case, let us get the wounded back to safety.
OH MY GOD, what happened outside? Can anyone hear me? Are there any survivors out there?! I sure hope this battlefield does not turn into a zombie apocalypse or something.
Over there! It looks like a few stragglers are in deep trouble. Hopefully, we can rescue a few and discover the details behind this massacre.
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