Click here for part five of the spoof series.
Click here for part seven of the spoof series.
After botching an assassination attempt, rescuing Rage's girlfriend instead, and dragging an unconscious Rage and Portia into Xarcabard [S] in the aftermath, Lily and I were about to celebrate when we suddenly noticed a massacre outside Castle Zvahl Baileys [S]. By some luck, we managed to find some stragglers nearby, so we promptly disposed of their Demon oppressors.
Which of course woke the honeymooners right up. Now that we are all assembled again, you there -- whipped soldier of negligible importance, explain what happened to the San d'Orian front, posthaste!
So let me get this straight, an ominous cross appeared in the sky.
It turned out to be an invitation for cookies, from the Shadow Lord himself.
The San d'Orian army waltzed into an unforeseeable ambush...
... that resulted in utter annihilation. Is it just me, or do thoughts of the Shadow Lord decimating the entire San d'Orian front, past or present, seem utterly ludicrous?!
Oh look, yet another ominous symbol; I cannot believe our enemies would try the same gimmick twice! Now let us get organized, men. Have all survivors retreat several hundred yalms and -- wait, where did Rage scamper off to?
Rage? Portia? What do you mean they have bolted towards Castle Zvahl [S] again? Is there not anyone rational in this storyline? Sigh. I must hinder Rage and Portia before they repeat their predecessors' mistake -- those cookies belong to me and ME alone! Come, Lily; we have two naive fools to halt!
So after storming Castle Zvahl [S] once again, Lily and I reached the Throne Room [S] in one piece, but unfortunately for us, Rage and Portia were nowhere in sight. Since Lily could barely control her sugar cravings and since the doors behind us were bolted shut, we decided to search for cookies first and save our friends afterward.
Now let us batter this door open, Lily! Three, two, one...
... we did it! And behind giant door number one lies... the purple clowns that plague us to no end! Judging by their presence and the earlier invitation, they must intend to sue for peace via pastries!
Alright gentlemen, we accept your proposal. Now, where are those desserts you two promised? It was just a ruse to flay our hides, you say?
Now you guys have done it: Lily becomes a murderous madwoman when denied sugary treats...
... and now only thoughts of bloodlust emanate from her eyes! I will not even lift so much as a finger for this fight. Thrash them good, Lily!
So after unleashing her primal fury upon Aquila and Haudrale, the two Spitewardens dropped to the floor, writhing in agony. Just as she was about to strike two deathblows, Haudrale muttered there were cookies around the corridor, calming Lily somewhat.
Alright you two tricksters, march outside to the Allied encampment, and turn yourselves in -- I will not be able to restrain Lily if either of you refuse.
So after coercing Haudrale and Aquila to surrender, Lily and I dashed around the corner only to discover Rage and Portia collaborating with Lady Lilith.
Hey lovebirds! Are we interrupting anything?
Did Lady Lilith just summon Odin right before our eyes? How did she manage to summon a god, or better yet, why are Rage and Portia accepting cookies from him?
Rage! Portia! Those cookies are clearly tainted; do not accept treats from gruesome strangers!
Great, so much for my advice. Now Rage and Portia have been brainwashed into Lady Lilith's servitude.
Lily, we must vanquish friend and foe alike for the good for Vana'diel. Prepare to meet Altana, Rage!
But wait, what is this? Lady Lilith had a crush on me from the very beginning (see above picture), and she will enlist me into her forces if I betray Lilisette? Why thanks, SE; I appreciate the fan service and the convenient escape from certain death!
I am sorry, Lily; we cannot hold hands anymore. I will be befriending your sexy alter ego now given my current situation. That and she seems far more promising to sleep with!
But why the long face, Lily? I promise not to harm you personally. You only need to dodge Larzos' spiked club, backtrack your way through Castle Zvahl [S], and rally a new band of heroes to stop us. Surely, you can manage all that.
Or not... Larzos just struck a decisive blow on Lily. I suppose I would not have gotten very far, myself, in her situation. Well, goodbye Lilisette... try to grow up faster and seduce your sidekick sooner in your next lifetime!
So as they say, all is well that ends well, except for Lilisette perhaps. Until next time!
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